So, I’m staying at a friends in Missoula to get a solid start on my MFA thesis. So far I have a start, not so solid yet. I have high hopes for the rest of today and the few hours of tomorrow before I head back home.

I remember when I first started really writing stories back in 2002 for my undergrad program. It was exciting, and I didn’t feel constrained. There was a rush in the hours of focus and creation and moments of what felt like divine intervention. I’ve had some of that since I started the MFA program, but to a much lesser degree. I don’t know if it is the idea of this writing being the terminal act or the pressure of all of those voices in my head that have accumulated from workshops in the MFA program, but now I’m finding it hard to loosen up and write. It isn’t so much writer’s block. I have ideas and an amorphous shape and seedlings of characters; everything I usually need to get started. But the sentences are coming so slowly, labored, tinged with doubt. I hate writing this way. I prefer confidence and clarity in the moment. I can deal with some labored sentences, but I really enjoy when the words come freely as if from some other place, piped into my head and then down through my fingers.

So, am I just out of practice? Do I just not feel confidently enough about the work? It is a novel afterall, and I’ve never written one of those. Perhaps I’ll pretend it is a short story (a bunch of them actually). Maybe I’ll work 15-20 pages at a time and see if that gets me anywhere. I won’t call them chapters because that puts too much pressure on it as if there needs to be some sequence involved, some sort of logic that I’m not sure about.

I’ve read up on different methods for writing a novel: planning it out first or writing by the seat of your pants and organizing it later. I’m not sure which will work for me. Both seem too extreme. I’ll maybe do a little seat-of-pants writing and then stop and see if a plan emerges from there. Gah, can you feel the insecurity in those words? Who isn’t a little insecure when starting down to write on something new? I usually am. This time though...I feel it so much more. All right, I forgot this is just another short story. Damn, it is going to be hard to remind myself of that fact everytime I sit down to write.