I’ve realized that everywhere in life at all ages people are going to form groups. And inherently with the formation of a group others will be excluded. This is true in graduate school as much as in undergrad, high school, junior high and so on. Perhaps some of the intangibles become more subtle, meaning one might go from having the best snack to the best hang-out room to the best car to the same love of German folk music to the same ability to engage a certain individual, perhaps the leader of said group, for an extended length of time. I mean wouldn’t it be great if joining a group at age thirty had to do with having and supplying good snacks? Betty Crocker watch out!

Anyway, I was missing the gang from my old school as I was trying to get involved in a similarly composed group in grad school. I was volunteering for this new group, and I was confident I would be accepted because I had previous experience and a true desire to be involved. I was quite wrong. There seems to be more to it, some small intangible that I failed to grasp. And though I was still volunteering my time, I was not invited into the inner workings of the group.

Of course this didn’t surprise me too much upon reflection. I actually tend to belong to groups through my closeness to one or two core people within a group. I’m not the sort of person to strike friendships of any depth with a lot of people. I connect with a person maybe two and that’s it. And to tell the truth, I didn’t connect with anyone in this larger group I was attempting to join. So, failure.

But I did connect with one person who is part of another project that I enjoy. So, I’m switching my focus to that. It is strange how things work out, because I’d really like to learn more about the first group’s workings as it is a field that intrigues me and I can see in my future. This second group is good and I enjoy it, but I feel proficient in its inner-workings that I don’t feel I have much to learn, though I have plenty to contribute.

I know this is all in abstraction. I haven’t labeled the groups or named anything, but I mean not to. I’m still working among (or will be once school starts back up for me) everyone in the grad program and I’m not even writing this to complain. This is just something that I’ve become more aware of in the past year of school.

About groups: I know I need them just as anyone else does. I also know I can have difficulty joining them to the point that I often isolate myself because of the difficulty involved. So, it is a balance of joining in enough so I don’t become isolated and depressed (which I’ve done to myself before) and trying to do too much in order to fit in where folks don’t want me.

I do have my primary group of my family, which consists of two of us right now in proximity and many more down south. And of course a new addition is on the way to the group. I can’t go very long without thinking about the baby. She makes me smile everyday.