I’m tired. I’m not tired of life or my work or my academics. I’m just mismanaging my time, so I’m tired. My brain sometimes feels like it is on autopilot. My body is weary from the abuse (aka lack of sleep). And yet I’m still mismanaging my time. Which makes me think I must actually like to feel tired. But wait! That’s absurd. You’re right. It is absurd; I’m absurd apparently.

I tend to think. Quite a bit in fact. When I’m tired, I think a bit less. Am I attempting to disconnect the ole engine? Am I sick of thinking? Have I subconsciously asked myself “where’s all this thinking gotten you?” And then answered, “you can analyze a problem all you want, but that doesn’t mean it will go away.” Maybe that’s it. I’ve decided without my knowing it that it is easier to be tired, partially numb and not think about the various ways I’m blocked.

A friend of mine is going to a healer for alternative therapy. I’m considering it. I’ve seen her dealing with her issues and I’ve seen her succeeding. And I didn’t even know she was working with a healer when I was noticing these things.

I think that maybe there is a point at which I have to realize that I can’t think my way through all of my problems. That there are things I don’t know and solutions that I haven’t even thought of before that may help me. And for me, asking for help for the big issue things is hard. Even now, I’m hemmin-n-hawin’, thinking that I don’t really need to ask for help. I do okay on my own. But I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m obviously not doing okay. I obviously need help.

Maybe this post will be a reminder. Later, when I’m not so tired and I forget that I need help.